A Replay of Events

Here we are… March 16th 2013. You would figure with the marking of a year ago today the topic wouldn’t be as sensitive, you know, still hurt as bad.

Since the 3rd all I have been able to think about is where I was a year ago that day as time keeps pressing on. Without looking back and reading everything, I remember being in the store Things Remembered with my brother in Culver City, CA buying a gift for the bride and groom of the wedding I was going to shoot. Brandon was checking out and I was standing at the entrance door waiting on him checking facebook. I saw a post from my cousin Rian asking everyone for prayers as her Granny was being transfered to BSA from Dumas. My. Heart. Stopped. I called my mom asking what in the world was going on and she told me that they weren’t going to tell us until we got back because 1. I was working and 2. They didn’t want to ruin our trip. Her fall had taken a different note to her heart not working as well.

I still remember the feelings as if it were yesterday. I remember standing in that mall just wanting to go home. That was the beginning of 2 long weeks of staying by her side until sweet love called her home.

It’s 3 am and all I can feel right now is the feeling of getting up to take a shower and my papa calling to let us know her breathing has slowed down. Remembering standing in the shower thinking about how she told me she wasn’t scared. Remembering standing in front of my parents mirror doing my hair and having a moment with my dad knowing today was going to be the day.

I remember the smell, the sounds, the crying, laughing, sleepless nights on the couch with the family, the singing of the hymns, the image of my mom laying with her, my papa kissing her and telling her how beautiful she is. I remember it all. I remember the peacefulness when she passed, and all hearts were calm. I remember the bag being placed over her as they wheeled her down the hall and there was nothing more we could do, watching as my uncle stood there with his heart laying on the floor. I remember, and mainly things I don’t want to remember.

I remember her laugh, the way she would get on to me calling me by my middle name when I was in trouble. I remember the times where she would call me just to say hi, or to remind me how to cook brisket. I remember when we would play dress up when I would stay the night or how she would play with my hair to get me to go to sleep. I miss those phone calls. I miss that laugh.

I know I shouldn’t dwell on the passing but rejoice for the new life, but honestly, that’s hard. It’s hard for the fact that when I go to Dumas and visit, their house has a different vibe. It’s hard for the fact every time I cook a brisket, I can’t call. It’s hard knowing that I skipped out on my last holiday to spend with her because I was torn in bed with a broken heart from a marriage gone south and didn’t want my family to know, so I just didn’t show. It’s still fresh when there should be at least a scab forming.

I miss you. I wish you were here to actually meet my prince charming, you’d love him. I’m jealous of the fact that you get to see what my brother looks like, what it’s like to live free without a care. One day.

 

Thank you Apple for having video on iPhones for me to forever have these memories.



Advertisements

Are You Looking At Those Same Stars…

Have you ever wanted someone so much it hurts? Your lips keep trying to speak, and you just can’t find the words. It was perfect, I never will forget.

When I was 16 years old, God told me some features my husband will have. Not quite understanding one part, but the other part made complete sense.

I was laying in my floor, in my room after school just thinking about the love I have for my future husband since Christ loved me with this burning passion. He whispered in my ear that my husband will have this passion for music, which at the time I didn’t quite understand it because I wasn’t a huge fan of just “music.” I don’t know if that means he’s a musician, writes or sings. NO CLUE.  Then he told me that one day, we will have our own Marriage Group and that my husband will be such a great leader to others as well. THAT I understand due to I’ve always had a passion for marriages and the depth of love it takes to be connected on such a spiritual level. Recently, I’ve opened a little bit more of my hearts passions of what I love and would love to have. As silly as it seems I’ve talked to God about our “stereotypical” tall, dark and handsome. 😉 Obviously, it won’t take much for him to be taller than me! If I were to be picky to sit and tell God something silly about things I enjoy, it would go something like this: dark hair, blue eyes, black chevy pick-up (no girly car and no stupid ford), AND listens to country music. haha!  Even though I’ve already “experienced” being married, it wasn’t a marriage. My heart still longed for more, for my husband I had not met yet.

I pray for you everyday. I pray you get the strength to know how to love me second to Christ. I pray that every single day, we will still pursue each other and it hurts when were apart.

I Show Up, But You’re Not There

Built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart. Strangely, I wish secretly it will fall down, but I must leave. If you don’t know, then you can’t care. I show up but you’re not there.

This past month, it feels like I haven’t even had time to breathe. Opening a new business has been the best thing thats happened through out this whole years mess. It keeps me so busy that I don’t even have time to sit and dwell on what’s all happened. I thought I had a hold on things about all the deaths happening but I guess break downs are welcomed every now and then.

Mothers day was difficult, not just for me, but for the whole family. It was very different walking into Moms house without Mema there. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t imagine life without either one of my parents, and knowing that death can happen to anyone at anytime scares the crap out of me.  I haven’t cried about anything in such a long time, it was bound to make an appearance at some point.

I miss you so much. I hate driving up and seeing papas car in the street, knowing the only reason he parked up in the front of the drive way was for you to be able to get out. I hate seeing my mom hurt. I just hate this.

Holes In The Floor of Heaven

It’s been a little over a week since Mema has passed away. I went to Dumas Sunday to go to a cook out my parents were having. I pulled up and saw Papas car in the driveway, I remember always being excited to walk in and see Mema. This time was different, I just sat in my jeep and cried. I knew the second I’d walk in she wouldn’t be there, and that was very hard. I don’t like it. I hate knowing that I will never get to see her again, she will never get to meet my kids. I’ve never met any of my great grandparents because they all passed away by the time I was born. Same thing that will happen with my kids, they wont get to meet her. It scares me that when I become my mom’s age, I’ll loose my mom, I don’t know what to do with that. Everything happened so fast, and it’s just sinking in that she’s gone. We spent 2 weeks in the hospital preparing knowing this was coming up, but it wasn’t enough time. I know she’s in a better place, she’s happy. I’m happy that there is no more pain for her and she gets to experience God first hand, but it’s still hard comprehending it.

I was sitting in church this weekend and they have a new worship leader. She blew me away! It’s like her voice speaks truth right into me and it is SO powerful! How would that be like if you were face to face with Him singing just like the Angels? It would be 10 times better, and she gets to know what that is like. What fulfillment that would be! If I could just get a glimpse, a taste of the brilliant love that you would feel there, my life would be forever changed.

Sweet Jesus Christ My Sanity…

Tags

, ,

Today marks the day that my brother Chad would have been 30 years old. Amazingly enough, this also marks the day that Mema passed away at 10:45 this morning. If you have never felt God move, you would have felt it in that room…

We got a phone call this morning at 5:31 from Papa saying that her breaths have shortened and are now around 8 breaths per minute. Me and mom get up to get ready and as I was taking a shower I had gotten very over whelmed. I started thinking about when she told me that she wasn’t scared, but what if she was now? Things had changed, she sounded terrifying trying to breathe. Her lungs had gotten completely filled up, how could she not be scared? Then God whispered to me and said that shes okay. She doesn’t feel anything, her mind wasn’t with us. Mom and I arrived at the hospital around 7 and stay in the room for a bit. Around 8:30 we all go grab some breakfast then head back to the hospital. The nurses came in to give her a bath so we left the room. We come back in and she had stopped breathing. We just watched. A minute later a gasp for air comes from her as she starts to breathe again. Then it was held, again, for 2 minutes this time. After those minutes, she starts breathing again. That moment, we thought we lost her. There was this overwhelming sense of peace, I was happy. I was relieved until she took that next breath. Her breaths became faster like a fish out of water, but not constant. Papa asked all of us to take a vote whether or not to take off her oxygen, and all of us raise our hands. The nurse shut  down the air and took off the mask. We said our goodbyes and everyone but Me, Linda (my aunt) and Shon (my cousin) stayed in the room with the nurse. We were cutting up about how we would get in trouble for climbing in Mema’s tree at the house and how when we get to Heaven the first thing we are going to do is climb her tree there 😉 At that moment, the gasping, hearing the fluid, stopped. She stopped. It was sad, but yet peaceful. We know where she is and know that shes super happy now. No more pain, walker, therapy, hospitals, doctors. She is set free.

We loved her very much, but my Jesus loved her more.

The love I have seen between my Papa and Mema is indescribable. The way my Papa loved on her, even still the second she left melted me. Could you imagine such love? That if he loves her THAT much for 64 years, every day, how much are we loved by Christ? My mind can’t wrap around it.

She gets to see my brother, my sweet friend Denai who passed in November, her mom and siblings. What a sweet relief and a joyous day.

Of course you will be extremely missed and there will be days it will be hard to deal with, but knowing how you’re doing now, makes it better. You are loved so very much.

This Is Love…

Tags

, , ,

Wow, so I’ve been MIA for a while. I’m sitting here in the Dumas hospice where I’ve been for the past 2 weeks. My mema (moms mom) fell two weeks ago today and that fall resulted in much more intense outcome. She fell and only re-injured a fractured vertebra from years ago, she wasn’t breathing well and her heart was slowing starting to give up. Without that fall, we would have never known how bad of a condition she was in. The whole family (her husband, brother, uncles, cousins, daughters, sons, neices and nephews) have been at her side and haven’t left. We’ve stayed the night for the past 2 nights so she knows she’s not alone, neither is Papa. I sit here and watch my mom laying with her rubbing her hand as my papa is just patiently sitting next to her. You can see in his eyes how much he loves her. Even though its my mema, I couldn’t imagine what my mom is going through, seeing her mom like this.

She is having a hard time breathing and last we checked her oxygen level had dropped from 89 to 71. Her blood pressure is slowly going down and we were told it wouldn’t be much longer before she passes.

These past couple of days have been filled with laughter and tears. We all stayed the night with her for the past couple of days, sharing the most silly stories, and some confessions from the kids growing up 🙂 My Uncle Lonnie busted out his phone and started playing some of her favorite gospel hymns as everyone sat around singing to her. The nurse came in to check her and she joined in the singing. This isn’t a time for mourning, this is a time for celebration.

This is LOVE.

This is what life is about. Even in the darkest moments when you can’t control one thing, you still have your loved ones right by you every step of the way. My Mema and Papa have been married 64 years and June 4th would be 65. I have never in my life seen such a sweet, unconditional love from a couple.

Papa hasn’t once ever left her side, he has gone over and beyond to keep her happy and safe. He sits by her bed side, holds her hand and still calls her sweetheart. Every now and then, I catch him stealing some kisses and playing with her hair. He is the strongest, most loving man I’ve known. They fit perfect. He still tells her how beautiful she is, and how proud he is that they made it. He has set my example of exactly how my husband will be.

Their journey started off 64 years ago when Papa was working on the same farm as Mema’s brother. She was getting ready to leave and was having car trouble, she asked Papa for some help and 2 weeks later they were engaged 🙂 Once you know, you know! All they had to their name was a mattress and magazine for toilet paper, raised 4 kids, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren. This wonderful life lived from love, and no complaints about what they didn’t have. They had each other and that was perfect enough.

Mema is a strong, stubborn woman who was known for her smart ass remarks. While she was in the hospital, the nurses would come in and ask how she was feeling, she’d reply with “with my fingers!” or when they would ask for her finger to take vital signs and she’d say, “you can borrow it, but you can’t have it!” 🙂 Our whole family is like that. I can just see her right now as shes laying in front of me telling her body, “you’re not going to tell me what to do, I’ll go when I’m darn well ready to go!”

We’ve had some great times and conversations while shes been in here. I know shes been happy with us being around to keep her laughing. I know shes okay and not hurting but it still is extremely hard and painful to see her go through this. It’s hard to watch her breath. You can hear the fluid just rising up and as she gasps for more air that isn’t there. There were times when I had to walk out because it was too scary an painful to see someone go through. I never want to hear that noise ever again. Ever.  I asked her the other day when she could talk if she was scared, she looked and smiled at me and said, “no.” I told her how much I will miss her and how much I love her. She told me that she was going to think of me because I will be thinking of her. I asked her how much she loved me and she held out her fingers with about 3 inches in between. I grabbed her hands and moved them out a little further and said, “That’s about right, right there!” She just looked at me and laughed, then moved her arms out more saying she loved me THAT much. I’m very happy I got to hear her tell me she will be thinking of me and she loves me so much. We all have been very blessed to have this time to spend and walk through this journey along with her. She is very loved and will be missed so much. This is what I want surrounded by me when it’s my time. Just like this

.

i love you 🙂

Wasted Time

Tags

, , , , ,

How do we make the decisions we make?

For the past 2 years, my life has been full of having to make major decisions. The majority have been wrong decisions, but nevertheless I made them. This week in church really helped open my mind to my discernment gift. You have the choice of, “Do I move?” “Should I leave my job for this one?”, or “Should I continue to date this person?” How do you answer these life changing choices?!

I learned the hard way of how to make “wise” decisions. My answer? Pray about it. If you don’t have a peace about something, then don’t do it. Even if that means you have to sacrifice your wants. If I only would have listened to what God had planned with my life instead of me just doing the things I thought was best, I definitely would have a different life.  I can name 5 things that I would have done differently in the past 2 years, of listening to my instinct and not my head.  We don’t mean to make the mistakes we make though…

I didn’t mean to stay with someone who everyone told me to hold up on but I ignored it. I didn’t mean to stay thinking, “MAN! I love him and I’m going to stay with him  because a year from now, he will emotional wreck and destroy me. Rip me from everything that I am, AND abandon me to divorce at the age of 24!! That sounds SUPER FUN!” I had a gut instinct that I ignored, because my head said that on paper, this was a safe bet. Sometimes, you just have to follow your heart of what God wants for you. Not what you think you want for yourself. Kinda like you get on 1-40 and head west. Your friend asks you what you’re doing and you say you’re going to Lubbock. They KNOW and tell you that’s not the way to Lubbock but you keep going because you’re dead set that you’re going to Lubbock. You’ll never get there.

On the choices you make that weren’t great, (dating someone, subject in school, ect) you call it wasted time. That is time you can’t get back for how ever long you spent doing it.

Ephesians 5:16 says “redeeming the time, because the days are evil.” Redeeming the time – The word rendered here as “redeeming,” means “to purchase; to buy up” from the possession or power of anyone; and then to redeem, to set free – to rescue or recover our time from waste; to improve it for great and important purposes.

We can get back that time by simply listening to our heart of what God wants. Listen to your peace, because you already know what your answer is before you ask it. You only keep asking the question over because you want someone to logically explain to you why you should go the other direction. Feeling  your peace will save you from a lifetime of pain and misery.

“A dog returns to his vomit, like a fool returns to his folly.”

If you want to know the “wasted time” that i ignored my peace on here it is. 1.) Dating a certain person 2.) Letting a best friend move out because of this certain person 3.)Loosing a lot of my friends this certain person 4.) Not have been so controlling about 5 years ago in another relationship 5.) Stayed at a certain job. My life would be TOTALLY different if i would have kept with my gut. I have a feeling, I’d be loving life.

Faith and Humility Seem To Be Constant….

Tags

, ,

Well, a lot has happened from the time I last posted and haven’t been on to post. There’s a reason for that….. I just simply was fighting myself. I just didn’t want to, and maybe that’s Gods way of letting me learn how to deal with my issues instead of seeking everyone else advice. In this season God is allowing me to go through a lot of humility and learning what Faith really is about. I’ve never had to deal with loosing things point-blank, while being humiliated – far beyond embarrassed, all while having to lean on Him and no one else to get me through it. Jesus was humiliated every single day. I’m learning pride isn’t everything. I need to put that down, step aside, and walk in this humiliation with my head up. If He got through it, I know I can too.

Two more weeks and it’s done. No more fighting, no more wanting someone to fight FOR me, no more of the nasty, hateful words, screaming and yelling. One part of me is super sad for the fact that I have to experience this death of a marriage, but at the same time it’s like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. He wasn’t right for me. The way God made me is the way I’m meant to be. The way God made me was meant to be with someone who accept who I truly am without change of His calling. We can go into this huge debate of “oh, you guys should have never gotten married” or “if you knew, then why did you do it.” Yeah, maybe so… But honestly, none of that matters. It happened. I wanted that fairytale. I wanted my prince charming. I wanted to let go of someone, thinking the only way to escape them would be to hold on tightly to someone else. I got married for the wrong reasons, I forced these feelings to happen. I tried my best to make things happen the way I wanted, but God is so much bigger than I am, I’m starting to realize that. If He doesn’t have it in the cards for you, it’s NOT going to happen.

Like I’ve stated previously in the other blogs, there is NO such thing as a prince charming. I won’t get into that tonight, just because I am so deeply passionate about getting that message across to young girls, it’ll take me all night.

There is only one guy out there that can exceed your standard of the prince charming. He is going to love you when your moody, He’s going to love you when you cry. He will laugh at you when you’re silly and try His best to make you laugh when you’re upset. He thinks you’re beautiful without a trace of make-up on, He doesn’t care if your hair isn’t just perfect. You are always on His mind, and He wants you to know that. He is ALWAYS putting little, beautiful presents for you to find, just for you to know how much He loves you. He builds your dreams up and holds you when things don’t go right. He knows you’re human, that you WILL mess up, but He chooses to cherish you through all the mess inside. He finds beauty in all you are. His name is Jesus.

And you know what, that’s good enough for me. I know my Jesus will NEVER scream, cuss, or shove me around. He will NEVER get in my face and tell me how horrible I am and that I “need to contribute to society.” He doesn’t care if my family isn’t the richest, or “has a name.” What’s even better is men are called to love us women as Christ loved the church. Somewhere, there is that guy who understands that. Somewhere, is someone who is going to WANT and TRY to be all those things. He’s going to mess up, he’s human, but the fact that he wants to be more like Christ just seals the package.

Men, the more you fall in love with Christ, the more your lady will fall in love with you. It’s a win win situation, and the better you can serve each other.

Isaiah 40:29-31

29 He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.

 

Pick and Choose the Battles

Tags

, ,

Well, almost a week into it and wa-la! No trip, no counseling session.

He invited me over to his house a couple of nights ago for dinner again. I stopped by the store to pick up wine and desert, then flew on over to his house. At this point in the day I was starving so I couldn’t wait to eat. I walk in and we sit on the couch and chat for a bit. He stated that we needed to go to the store to pick up the food so we could start it. The girl in me got a little pissy because I had just came from the store, and I was hungry. Instead of “picking and choosing” my battles and just going to the store, I JUST HAD to ask why he couldn’t have gone on his way after work. Which, in return, lead to a fight of course. A pretty huge fight to be exact, to where I left because of the hateful things that were said. I went and talked with my best friend because I was so upset and she encouraged me to go back and apologize face to face for me being selfish. (Yes, you always need a friend that calls you out on things, even the bad)

I head back over and knocked on the door, he barley opens it as I ask to come in. I tell him that I was sorry for being selfish and that I didn’t need to make it an issue for going to the store and asked him to forgive me. That didn’t happen. A lot of other mean things were exchanged, he let me know that he could find someone better. I asked him to show me some Grace for me being selfish. Jesus shows us grace everyday, we would be screwed if He didn’t. That conversation didn’t go over well at all. He let me know that Jesus wouldn’t do have the crap I’ve done in my life, which lead to his ex’s doing more than what I did as a wife.

After all this hoping, wanting, and bleeding, nothing is coming out of this but a paper saying we are free to leave. Why is it so impossible to fight for things these days? When people get married, why can’t you just talk things out? There are days I’m not going to be the most amazing person to be around. Those days are going to include me being selfish, “bitchy”, sad, angry, happy, bouncing off the walls. There’s just so many questions I have about that fact of, why can’t someone just love someone unconditionally? I can tell you now, this love isn’t even remotely close to the love Jesus has for us.

We need to love unconditionally. No one is ever going to meet your expectations. There are days where I’m going to screw up pretty bad, but I pray that there still will be unconditional love for me one day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I’m still loved by the one that means the most. Those are voids that no person is ever going to fill. Also, we need to pick and choose our battles, as my friend would tell me. Will going to the store with him matter in 5 years? Probably not. So, it’s nothing to cause strife about. Is the fact that he leaves magazines in the bathroom floor something to get mad about, and say something to him? No, not really. Figure out what really matters in life before you start getting your panties in a wad. If it’s not going to matter within that week or even 10 years, why does it matter now.

Leave A Legacy

Tags

, , , ,

Leave a Legacy….

Have you ever met someone who completely changed your thoughts and your life for the better? That even after their passing, it still has a full blown effect? I had the privilege of getting to experience that once-in-a-lifetime  comet that hit my world and shook it up a little. Even though it was for a few short months that I knew her before her death, not one day goes by where I don’t think about her.

Her presence was graced with such beauty any time I was around her. Her light shinned right through the darkest parts inside of me. Not once have I ever seen her down in the dumps, even if it was dumpy, she would praise right through it. It has almost been 3 months since the accident and she still comes to me in my dreams. Still beautiful as ever and just smiling all the time. Even in my dreams I want to strive to be more like her!

Denai left a legacy. In her words, she out lived her life. She never left one person without them knowing how much she loved them and what they were worth in this life, and after. She made me believe I was worth it all, for anything. If I could only live a life just 10% of hers, I’d be set.

I miss my friend. I miss being able to talk to her about my debbie downer days, and having her words brighten me up. I miss her excitement about life, and her love for Jesus. The day she passed she had posted this radio blog, and just the way she talks about death, its nothing but celebrations to her. Check it out here  Beautiful.

I want to out live my life. I want everyone to know what they mean to me. I want to bring light to every single person I meet, and I want to change lives. Whats stopping me?

“Do more. Be more. Achieve more. YOU ARE WORTH IT!”