Here we are… March 16th 2013. You would figure with the marking of a year ago today the topic wouldn’t be as sensitive, you know, still hurt as bad.
Since the 3rd all I have been able to think about is where I was a year ago that day as time keeps pressing on. Without looking back and reading everything, I remember being in the store Things Remembered with my brother in Culver City, CA buying a gift for the bride and groom of the wedding I was going to shoot. Brandon was checking out and I was standing at the entrance door waiting on him checking facebook. I saw a post from my cousin Rian asking everyone for prayers as her Granny was being transfered to BSA from Dumas. My. Heart. Stopped. I called my mom asking what in the world was going on and she told me that they weren’t going to tell us until we got back because 1. I was working and 2. They didn’t want to ruin our trip. Her fall had taken a different note to her heart not working as well.
I still remember the feelings as if it were yesterday. I remember standing in that mall just wanting to go home. That was the beginning of 2 long weeks of staying by her side until sweet love called her home.
It’s 3 am and all I can feel right now is the feeling of getting up to take a shower and my papa calling to let us know her breathing has slowed down. Remembering standing in the shower thinking about how she told me she wasn’t scared. Remembering standing in front of my parents mirror doing my hair and having a moment with my dad knowing today was going to be the day.
I remember the smell, the sounds, the crying, laughing, sleepless nights on the couch with the family, the singing of the hymns, the image of my mom laying with her, my papa kissing her and telling her how beautiful she is. I remember it all. I remember the peacefulness when she passed, and all hearts were calm. I remember the bag being placed over her as they wheeled her down the hall and there was nothing more we could do, watching as my uncle stood there with his heart laying on the floor. I remember, and mainly things I don’t want to remember.
I remember her laugh, the way she would get on to me calling me by my middle name when I was in trouble. I remember the times where she would call me just to say hi, or to remind me how to cook brisket. I remember when we would play dress up when I would stay the night or how she would play with my hair to get me to go to sleep. I miss those phone calls. I miss that laugh.
I know I shouldn’t dwell on the passing but rejoice for the new life, but honestly, that’s hard. It’s hard for the fact that when I go to Dumas and visit, their house has a different vibe. It’s hard for the fact every time I cook a brisket, I can’t call. It’s hard knowing that I skipped out on my last holiday to spend with her because I was torn in bed with a broken heart from a marriage gone south and didn’t want my family to know, so I just didn’t show. It’s still fresh when there should be at least a scab forming.
I miss you. I wish you were here to actually meet my prince charming, you’d love him. I’m jealous of the fact that you get to see what my brother looks like, what it’s like to live free without a care. One day.
Thank you Apple for having video on iPhones for me to forever have these memories.